sometimes you've gotta force a smile :)

What do you do when you feel totally and completely and horribly taken advantage of? Listen to music, perhaps a little to loud (with head phones), until you temporarily forget the feeling. Then you get used to it, and just let it happen. Thinking to yourself, one day all this will be behind you and people wont take advantage of you anymore. Manipulation bugs me. The worst part is, manipulative people tend to think they're so good at manipulating that you don't even notice they're playing you like a blind pawn. In reality, you know exactly what's going on but you don't want to sink to their level. You're too shy or nice, I don't know. It's just that something inside you is so afraid of manipulating/taking advantage of other people and it's like you can't help it. That's just how you are. And does that mean you're always going to be the underdog? I don't know. But I think so. I'd like to believe that someday, someone really honest and fair will treat you/pay you/help you/value you for what you're really worth. Everyone can't be so selfish (do they call it cunning? Clever? Smart? Entrepreneurship?) that they'll get you for the cheapest deal possible. Or get from you everything they can. But then, I guess maybe the truly nice people are the underdogs and the manipulative "clever" people are at the top of the line. At least in this world. I always thought I'd grow out of it. "Oh for now, people can take advantage of me, because I'm just a child." "Oh, this is my first job, so it's okay if they pay me a little to little." "We'll only be friends for a little while, so why not let them use me?" I love helping people. Really sincerely. I'll do everything I can to make the world a better place for everyone around me. I can't help it. I was just born that way. Trying to change that would be the hardest (and worst) thing for me to do. But sometimes I just want to cry. I'm not naive, I'm not easily tricked. I just want to help people. And yes, I know when people are taking advantage of me. It makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like I'm worthless. But I let them, and I'm afraid I always will. Not because I can't say no, but I can't. I'm blessed with so many great blessings, and I have embedded in me an eternal perspective, so how dare I ever not help someone. I just hope and pray this doesn't mean I'll always be the underdog. Someday we'll treat each other honesty. Maybe if I put up with all the manipulative people cheerfully here and keep doing my best to serve, I wont ever have to put up with them later. Later. And Happy Monday!